"I Don't Trust Relationships Until We've Had Conflict"
Yeah, I know that sounds backwards. But hear me out.
Let me tell you something I've learned after seven years of pastoring: Most of us never got taught how to resolve conflict. We learned how to win fights, how to keep the peace, how to submit to authority — but not how to actually work through disagreement in a way that makes relationships stronger.
Growing up in church, we had two options when conflict showed up. Either you stuffed it down until it exploded, or you let somebody else tell you what to do. The pastor said it, the Bible said it, case closed. No need to think, no need to feel, definitely no need to work through the messy middle.
"You want to know if somebody's really your friend? Go through conflict with them. That's when you see who people really are — including yourself."
But here's what I've discovered: You want to know if somebody's really your friend? Go through conflict with them. That's when you see who people really are — including yourself.
In this free guide, my wife Pamela (who's a licensed therapist) and I break down four practical keys to resolving conflict without losing yourself:
Identify What You Want
Know what you actually want from a difficult conversation
Regulate Your Emotions
Manage your emotions without suppressing them
Listen to Understand
Listen deeply instead of waiting for your turn to talk
Take Accountability
Own your part even when you're still mad
We're talking about how to identify what you actually want from a difficult conversation (because most people don't even know), how to regulate your emotions without suppressing them, how to listen to understand instead of just waiting for your turn to talk, and how to take accountability for your part even when you're still mad.
This isn't some theoretical framework that sounds good on paper but doesn't work in real life. These are tools Pamela and I use in our marriage, tools we teach at The Faith Community, tools that have helped thousands of people stop avoiding hard conversations and start having them differently.
Look, I get it. Some of you are exhausted from carrying grudges. Some of you are tired of being the one who always gives in. Some of you don't even know what healthy conflict looks like because you've never seen it modeled.
Wherever you're starting from, this guide will help. But I need you to know upfront — this isn't the sexy work. It's not exciting like calling out somebody else's harmful theology. This is about looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for your own stuff.
Meet Your Guides
Pastor Kristian A. Smith brings seven years of pastoral experience and theological expertise rooted in authentic, culturally-grounded faith.
Pamela Merritt, LCSW is a licensed therapist who brings clinical expertise in relationship dynamics and conflict resolution.
Together, they lead The Faith Community, where they teach thousands how to do relationships differently.
Here's what's inside:
The four keys framework that changed how we do relationships at TFC
A two-minute reset routine for when you're too activated to think straight
The difference between harm and discomfort (this one will save you years of unnecessary conflict)
How to apologize for real (not that 'I'm sorry you felt that way' nonsense)
How to know when to repair and when to let go
"Pamela brings the clinical expertise. I bring the theology and pastoral experience. Together, we're giving you a roadmap for doing conflict differently than we were taught."
Download Your Free Copy
Drop your email below and I'll send 'How to Resolve Conflict' straight to your inbox. No charge, no strings attached.
"The relationships you want are on the other side of the conflict you're avoiding. Let's figure this out together."
— Kristian